the unresting wheel
It’s been an interesting year. Already nearly two years since I left Indiana… how and where did the time escape? Feels like that time of take off is coming again because the fatigue and weariness all too familiar with choosing complaceny has arrived. A panic, a indescribable anxiety of having to trust that nothing is set in stone or for sure. You can’t provide anything for yourself because there’s always a necessary link missing – requiring you to be dependent. They say there is great security in knowing. Al-contrair. They should change it to there’s great security in everything being in place. Knowing does little if there’s no confirmation of follow thru. Ever took the ”great security of knowing” to an airport? Think about that one.
sky @ notre dame, south bend IN
Now if I put on my Jesus hat – knowing is just as good as having the confirmation. I, having been in the situation before on many levels… understand all of that. Difference being, I don’t want to go through it again.
There’s a thrill/fear that comes with having to rely on God to get you through little things like being able to eat or have toilet paper. When He comes through, it’s great. Waiting for Him to decide “now is the time” isn’t great all the time. If tears could talk they would adhere to the “I don’t want to go back when this is over” logic.
Not only is there the need when the time comes, there’s all the chance needs that have to happen for the “time” to even be a reality. What about those? If you know that the “time” is going to happen – the rest shouldn’t be a thing to worry about, right? Right. But still wrong if you ask what spins through my mind on an unresting wheel. [on a side note, i cant stand chris tomlin music anymore. thanks for giving me a choice, pandora]
Things that should give you rest – like walking around a lake, working out, sleeping.. spending time with people in a “relaxing” setting… still bring no relief because your mind knows no other task better than being where it thinks you need to be.
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small,
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
The hymm’s got that right. Child of weakness. Something about this time of the year and weakness is ridiculous. Yea, it could be the time changes, darkness coming sooner, blah blah blah… to me it seems to be the establishment of transitions to come.
Find value in what you’re doing – that’s what I keep getting told. Sports Information, most don’t know the position exists until something goes wrong in the flow of a sporting event/post game stuff. Desk jobs are hardly my idea of a permanent set up. Granted I get to get out of the office with this job – I’m inherently tied to it. All the things I want to do, I don’t have the opportunity to now. Seems I’ve been cut off from the world again. All I have are numbers. Numbers that could possibly let someone play professionally, be the only connection between a family.. you know, the things you can’t see and don’t think about. Not quite sure where I’m going with this, other than to show myself that there’s still a purpose from me being disconnected from all life form with the exception of my family. Disconnect – symptom of transition time being established.
Don’t they usually give meds in response to symptom identification? lol. Pass the pills. Sleep from here till “time” shows up. Hmm. While it sounds good – doesn’t that defeat the purpose of the journey? Or maybe I’m on drugs…
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