It’s becoming real. the exit interview is scheduled, the last box stowed in the truck, everything updated that can be updated… I’ve spent since March 2009 at this place, in this office.  It’s been what I do, definitely not who I am. There are some days where I would have given anything to be rid of the seeming burden, but in taking a step back, this place has given me something I couldn’t have gotten anywhere else. Experience (and a husband!!!).

This job I’m in is supposedly reserved for the experienced. The “right” person for this job has been trained under other SID‘s and has put in hundreds, if not thousands of hours with athletics in some capacity. When I got the call for this job, I’d put in thousands of hours before God (a huge chunk @ starbucks) because nothing I did produced what I thought it should have. This occupation was the last of what I thought I wanted.

That last sentence is what makes what’s coming so exciting. I’m literally at the end of what I wanted. I guess that could be a scary place, but I know now that if He puts you there, He’ll provide.. experienced or not. I’d have to say that He graced me with an uncanny ability in these past two years to juggle and get way more done than humanly possible in a day/hour.. and that is more valuable than any number of years/decades of experience.

The most common question I’ve gotten lately (I would have asked it too, but I’ll point out the irony anyways), “so what are you going to be doing out there?” Truth -> I have no idea. I don’t say that with fear – I just really don’t know. I’m sure the situation will flirt with fear at some point, but for now – I’m excited to tour the southwestern/midwest with my best friend and break the need in me to plan. Weather (and God since He authors the whole weather thing) will dicate our route. Try planning for weather! BAHAHAH! You can hardly do that in San Diego anymore, huh Al Gore?

It’s literally a new chapter. Shedding a job, gaining a husband who is AWESOME, shedding a car, gaining a truck, leaving a state, going to another, losing a California license, gaining an Indiana one, leaving one house, soon to be living with HIM and loving every minute of it. The new chapter is a deeper refinement of what we were put here to do – and how we do it together. Let it be according to Your word.

May He grant you according to your heart’s desire,
         And fulfill all your purpose.

ps. 20:4

Today has been quite the day. Woke up with no real pressing matters except 1] to say yes to the duplex we’d found, thanks to Kyle Petricek’s sleuthing and 2] a transitional meeting with my AD since I’ll be making my exit from San Diego Christian College soon. Got into work and sorted emails until the meeting, where I’d learn a thing or two about God’s timing.

“June 10th is your last day.” “Oh. uh, okie dokie.”

Simple statement, big impact on things ahead. We’d planned on leaving for Indiana by truck sometime after the end date at both of our jobs, June 30th. That would have put us out there somewhere in the ballpark of July 15-20th. Sounded a little late, but with that information – that’s what we had. Well. I’m trying the method of new news is always good news when God’s involved… I’m about 99.5% convinced. the .5 comes with time.

More to come.

INDIANA WESLEYAN UNIVERSITY | Still in limbo. Haven’t heard from the grad department yet on whether or not he’s in. The fact no news has come in isn’t ‘hindering’ life, it’s just keeping forward thinking from having any concrete weight in reality. Things in God have the weight, but there’s always that voice of.. “I know what He said, but is this what it means…?” There’s alot that happens in process of getting to the “leaving” date that more or less is coming due = moving, car, leaving date, resigning, housing… sdkfafladjl…  I seem to have alot of … after my thoughts. Probably because they just continue and continue and continue.

Meanwhile, I piddle away with the athletic dept tasking… starting to appreciate the job now that I’m not running aimlessly from sport to sport with more than enough caffeine in the system to warrant some type of cardiac arrest. Wonder what’s in store next? Yeah, that’s an addition to the IWU circle… because I’m either here waiting or there waiting. At least at that point I’ll have someone to officially wait with.

WEDDING | what’s left, how many people are there actually going to be, did I get everything, oh what about that, blah blah blah. And this wedding isn’t even all crazy like some peoples. Jer’s a big help all the time and finder of my sanity every once in a while ;)

blah. there’s today’s blurb.

I started tearing up. For those of you who have known me for a while, you’re probably like.. she just made a typo in the explanation. Nah. No typo. When he asked me, I replied “yes, DUH”. He’s incredible. Actually… there’s no word for him so I’ll make it up. He’s Jerry. Then all of a sudden he turns me post horse collar hug to the side of the mountain where my dad gave me and my brother the “life” talk years back…

There’s my mom and Steveo in the bushes with cameras recording and taking pics of it all going down. Pretty sure I cussed. He did such a great job… it was perfect. Not in the girly way “OMG ITS SO PERFECT”, but it was exactly to the last possible detail tailored to me. I don’t like being the center of attention… but of his attention, ok :). Then the mad calling/texting (thank GOD for text because there’s no way in the world i would have called all you people, no offense.) began. Went to Bamboo – ended up being the only ones in the whole place. Got a massaman 3 so i wasn’t crying later. He proceeds to get a 30. lol. After that we went to Starbucks by the house and changed the facebook status – took a little bit. Those iphones are tricky, go to the full site to change anything lol. Got him his skinny vanilla and me the sugar loaded peppermint white mocha…and traveled home. I should have asked for a free drink hah. meow.

My dad loves him.. I don’t think I’ve seen him smile that much -ever. Nothing about this relationship has been conventional. So I have a feeling it will be continued in whatever takes place in May. (that’s when the wedding will be…) somewhere in San Diego county… most likely small/family and close friend type… with something afterward for whoever wants to come and laugh. That’s the thought. We’ll see what God has. Indiana? Meow.

Woot!

sky @ notre dame, south bend IN

Now if I put on my Jesus hat – knowing is just as good as having the confirmation. I, having been in the situation before on many levels… understand all of that. Difference being, I don’t want to go through it again.

There’s a thrill/fear that comes with having to rely on God to get you through little things like being able to eat or have toilet paper. When He comes through, it’s great. Waiting for Him to decide “now is the time” isn’t great all the time. If tears could talk they would adhere to the “I don’t want to go back when this is over” logic. 

Not only is there the need when the time comes, there’s all the chance needs that have to happen for the “time” to even be a reality. What about those? If you know that the “time” is going to happen – the rest shouldn’t be a thing to worry about, right? Right. But still wrong if you ask what spins through my mind on an unresting wheel. [on a side note, i cant stand chris tomlin music anymore. thanks for giving me a choice, pandora]

Things that should give you rest – like walking around a lake, working out, sleeping.. spending time with people in a “relaxing” setting… still bring no relief because your mind knows no other task better than being where it thinks you need to be.

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small,
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;

The hymm’s got that right. Child of weakness. Something about this time of the year and weakness is ridiculous. Yea, it could be the time changes, darkness coming sooner, blah blah blah… to me it seems to be the establishment of transitions to come.

Find value in what you’re doing – that’s what I keep getting told. Sports Information, most don’t know the position exists until something goes wrong in the flow of a sporting event/post game stuff. Desk jobs are hardly my idea of a permanent set up. Granted I get to get out of the office with this job – I’m inherently tied to it. All the things I want to do, I don’t have the opportunity to now. Seems I’ve been cut off from the world again. All I have are numbers. Numbers that could possibly let someone play professionally, be the only connection between a family.. you know, the things you can’t see and don’t think about. Not quite sure where I’m going with this, other than to show myself that there’s still a purpose from me being disconnected from all life form with the exception of my family. Disconnect – symptom of transition time being established.

Don’t they usually give meds in response to symptom identification? lol. Pass the pills. Sleep from here till “time” shows up. Hmm. While it sounds good – doesn’t that defeat the purpose of the journey? Or maybe I’m on drugs…

something else new.

It’s not getting used, but thats the latest of the stuff :)

Snowflake.

Who would have known that the little town (not really a city) would be the point to the spinning top (makes sense if you’ve seen Inception?). It was the clue that told me who’s car was parked in my spot last October. The fact that car doesn’t exist anymore is besides the point, hee hee. If I hadn’t done these profiles, I wouldn’t have known a thing about the perpetrator. (Perp = someone who isn’t you, illegally parking in your marked spot.) I’m thankful he has a knack for being mischevious… made me smile then too. Man am I ever so thankful.

I’d wondered why He’d brought me here. Initially it seemed to be simply the road I was taking out of the “wilderness”. Little did I know that this data pushing occupation would, amongst other things, land me a man. Not just a man… THE man bahah (yeah, don’t be jealous – yours is waiting behind a locked door too). Guess it says something for doing what your hand finds to do…

Not quite sure why this has come out like it has, but alot of the past has come up today. Zent Consulting, Main1Media… just pieces of where I’d been, could have been and the information that stuck along the way. I guess I might be writing this for some random person who would read it… If you feel like you’re waiting in the wing for something to jump off again.. or for what seems like the first time, wait. I’m in the same spot again…

But He caused me to look back today on what He highlighted back then… that ended up being a key to later things. You might have the key in your hand. Chances are good He’s hinted at it. Does that mean you rack your brain and try and over analyze everything you’ve done, seen, read, thought… NO. He drops them like that so you can look back and say.. “wow, You were there,” even when it looked like He’d forgotten.

Felt forgotten my share of times. I’m reminded of that whenever I open a journal from any point in my life (i was a writer early on). It’s universal plague that has a cure. Just means you can’t be selfish. Learned that one the hard way too – funnier thing was I thought I wasn’t being selfish. If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears or sees it fall, did it?

What’s the point? the point is, He gives you keys when you least expect it. Bet ya didn’t know your patience muscles are in your arms and legs?

If you’re still walking, you’re building your patience muscles. If you have the strength in your hands to reject and accept, you’re building patience. Even being impatient is building you up, because a patience resides within the restlessness. You’ve only quit building patience if you cross over to ‘you were impatient’.

So, keep those keys…in your pocket, murse, backpack, purse… whatever you always have on you and don’t send through the wash… and wait for the door to appear. There’s plenty of people waiting along with you, fiddling with their keys, impatient as ever, but getting ripped right along with you.

Here’s to big muscles. *cheers*

I ran, something around 8 miles today, for the first time since Octoberish. I say ran, but it was peppered with spans of walking when the songs/thoughts that came to my mind would take my breath or remind me of something the stretching was seeming to take from me. I made it to Len Street, a little less than a half mile from my house. The sun had been beating on my head for a little less than an hour at that point, so I welcomed shade while waiting for the light to change at the base of the climb that was in front of me. The momentary silence looked like elbows balanced on my knees, head hanging, trying to soak up the coolness. A small high pitch voice broke the mental quiet. The little voice matched the stature of the little man it came out of. He looked to be about 4 or 5, about ribs high on me, with blonde hair, very fair skin and a tiny little frame.

“Heyy, do you want some Koolaid?”/”I don’t have any money.” I yelled. /”It’s ok, it’s free!”

I walked up Len to the first street on the left where there was one little cardboard box on its side, markers scattered and multiple single serving Koolaid packets strewn across the ground. I didn’t see any water, so I was a little curious as to where this Koolaid would appear from. He walked me over to the box and started talking in his squeeky little voice.

“my friend sean (who was no where to be seen) said I should get money from people but you don’t have money so for you it’s free. I’ve gotten money from everyone else, but for you it’s free.” He said it all with this little smile. I use the word little alot for him because everything was.

He struck me as the one boy who would always get picked last, overlooked, made fun of, pushed around… because his heart was so big and if you couldn’t see with eyes that allow you to see character, you’d miss it. He reached down, pulling out a purple sippy cup minus the lid, asking me if I wanted this one. His arms fully extended, with his little hands embracing this cup like it was the best he could give. “But you can’t take the cup, I have to keep it.” “Thank you.”

I didn’t even have the cup to a pourable level before the “is it good?” hit my ears. I think he put all of the packets I saw on the ground in the 6 ounce cup. A thick layer of sugary red stuff was caked at the bottom. But it was his best. “It’s soo good. What’s your name?” “Ashton.” “Hi, Ashton, my names Janelle.” “what?” “Janelle.” “Oh, hi. is it good?” “It’s so good, Ashton. You should make Koolaid for a living.” “For a living?” “Yeah, for a living.” A little smile peaked below his blue eyes.

I finished the cup and handed it back to him. He knew nothing of not receiving in giving. It didn’t phase him. I think that was what touched me the deepest. He expected nothing in return, except to know what he had given was good enough. I walked away from little Ashton leaving a thank you behind. Tears weld up in my eyes as a few things hit me at once. Everyone is valuable. He wasn’t the first kid I saw with a drink stand of some sort as I ran this morning. Everyone needs to be reassured that what they have to give is good enough. More than good enough. Good enough to build on and prosper in. And it spoke to my future… who knows if this one encouragement could give him the confidence he needed for something that’s coming… little Ashton definitely gave me the confidence I needed to face what God has brought. He’s faithful. What I have to offer in obedience is good enough.

Sometimes I feel like Ashton.. such a little frame, stretching my arms up with a cup in my hands of what I have to offer… and God takes it and says.. it’s so good, now let Me make it better. Something inside me just wants the approval of the One I’m giving what I have to. I don’t know what He’ll do with it, but I know it will be great, bring Him honor and have purpose…so that others may live.

I walked the remainder of the hill just thinking about what happened… and how I had to give him something. I ended up going back and giving him 2 five dollar bills. His friend Sean was there that time… the “stand” had been vacated… but little Ashton was still outside. His mom was eyeing what was going on lol… Sean called him over to the car where i stuck out my arm with the money and said “thanks for the Koolaid.” All he said was you’re welcome with this mildly confused look on why I was there. I drove away so assured that God loved me to the end; he sent a little boy with Koolaid to remind me that what I’ve offered is good enough…more than good enough and that He loves me… till the end.

i realize this as i try to raise my hands in worship, thinking it’s the visual of surrender that’s needed for the breakthrough. i was wrong. in my inability to even lift my hands in my own strength, i realize the deficiency is in my will. just like hand raising seemingly tells the world you surrender, my words tell the world in an action of my mouth, that i trust… but my will remains unseen, sometimes to even my own eyes.

what is my motivation? what is it that i hope to acheive through all of the action i put forth? if i were to be honest with myself, my action is empty unless its fueled by love, a passion, a necessity to obey, a drive to stand for what i know to be true even if its not tangible…

what about now? is my action fueled by those things… with a reckless abandon to do only _if it pleases the King_? doing what pleases the King only happens in your willingness to embrace the flame. the flame being whats trying you…it creates a tangible existance of Gods hand molding you into what He’s made you to be. if i were to embrace someone, it carries a different connotation than a hug. embrace is backed by deep intention, a previous connection that has been established, a compassion thats felt deeply for whatever is being swallowed by arms, a belief that what is represented is needed and valued….

embracing the flame is just that… its saying “Lord, have Your way. whatever it looks like, i want You and only You. my only desire is to please You, my King.”

so in that embrace, i will wait. and while i wait, my thirst for You grows because in the fire, Water is what keeps me sustained. and as You provide, trust is birthed. i love You because You are faithful. rightly do i love You.

and because of my love, if it pleases the King, it pleases me.

songofsongs4:12,16 | esther3:9 | matt15:3,8 | matt5:6,8 | joshua1:1-9